I've been a little silent lately. It's probably because I'm feeling super stressed right now. I know that I was prompted to go to BYUI but I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. Normally, I would be okay with this. I've started getting used to God's "R'ki, you need to learn how to fly by the seat of your pants" plan but this time I'm struggling because I know I have a less-than-two-months deadline.

Thank you to everyone who has tried to help me over the past few days. I really appreciate it. At the same time, I'm still completely overwhelmed. My biggest problem, I think, is that the online helps are very unhelpful. Plus, there's so many unorganized links that I find it hard to know where I'm supposed to go to even find what I need. It's just all kinds of frustrating.

In other news I've been going on dates which is kind of nice and slightly stressful! There was one date I went on that was really nice but I had a big moment of anxiety the next day (which was dumb, by the way, but that's anxiety for you; it never makes sense). I talked to my friend Megan about it and she was super helpful and supportive and basically told me what I needed to hear. Which usually consists of "R'ki, you're thinking too much and you're stuck in your head again. Stop it."

The guy hasn't contacted me since then but I'm still grateful for the date. It helped me realize that I do have the capacity to have a normal, healthy relationship.

vvv MOST IMPORTANT SECTION!! vvv

Kay now I'm coming to my final mention here. For those of you who don't know, I'm turning 23 August 9th. 8D Which is awesome! I love my birthday! But usually I don't ever tell anyone on the interwebs that I'm even HAVING a birthday because I don't like to feel greedy and be like "hey, y'all should give me presents." But this birthday I'm making a small exception.

Guys, I really need money for school. The idea of not having enough finances to pay for school terrifies me. I have some money in my savings that will (thankfully) give me a small buffer but it will only stretch so far. Before you ask, yes, I applied for Financial Aid but because I came into the BYUI game so late it might not reach my school in time. Also, my parents don't have the means to provide for me (no matter how much they wish they did) so I'm combating school all on my own.

Some of you might suggest going the route of student loans but that's something I want to avoid at all costs. To me, debt is of the devil no matter how much people try to prettify it. If you have the means to help me than please do. If you're struggling financially, than don't worry about it. I know what it's like to struggle. I've been there. However, if you plan on getting me something for my birthday, I'd prefer money for school over a new dvd or t-shirt or something. 

^^^ MOST IMPORTANT SECTION ^^^

Thanks, everyone, for reading through this! I don't know if my blog posts are ever that interesting but at least they keep some of y'all updated on my life, right? Or at least a little entertained? XD Hope y'all have an awesome day! Keep fighting the good fight!

I've had a lot of quiet contemplating thoughts these past couple of weeks. Realizations, annoyance, nostalgia, and a lot of other thoughts and feelings. I put them below in chronological order.

First, realizations. I realized that I've never been in love. My sister and I talked about it when we Skyped last Sunday and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I find most romance movies and books are a little silly and unrealistic when it comes to love. Even normal people are a little silly and unrealistic about it. I don't believe in love at first sight. Don't get me wrong, I've liked a lot of people  and I've been attracted to quite a few but those feelings aren't love. They're the beginning, the first step in the right direction, but they aren't the real description of love.

The realization was kind of sad. A little bitter. I know a lot of people who are married, engaged, or on the way to being engaged and it's strange to see them so much in love. I hope I can understand it someday.

Second, annoyance. There's been a lot of drama at work lately. Rumors have been flying and I was done with it. Thankfully, none of the rumors were about me but they were about my coworkers/friends and that's enough to rile me up. I spoke up, stepped on a few tails, and now I have one girl at work that literally refuses to talk to me or look at me. I also get the feeling that she's talking about me behind my back. I can't believe how immature it is. It's like Jr. High all over again.The best way to fight bullying is to act like it doesn't bother you. Besides, she's only there two days out of the week so I'm not too worried about it.

Third, nostalgia. I drank milk tea from a glass tea cup I had bought. I never knew that tea could look so beautiful through a round glass tea cup. So after I drank my tea I decided to make a "list of beautiful things". It was therapeutic and bittersweet and made me think of a lot of things. I'll make sure to type out my list at the end for y'all to read if you want.

Finally, I got a haircut! Yeeeey! It's about time. My hair was starting to do the usual tree-formation. Big on the bottom and straight on the top. Plus, my sister and I are planning on dressing up as the Goldstein sisters from Fantastic Beasts for Comic Con this year so I needed to cut it for that. The hair stylist cut it a little too short but, knowing my hair, it'll grow out to the right length just in time for Comic Con.

I haven't gotten a lot of comments on it but I don't really care. Hair is hair and I can do what I want with it. C:

A List of Beautiful Things
- Milk tea in a glass teacup
- Orange and blue sunsets with streaking clouds
- Crisp, dried flowers
- Overlooking a valley
- Stones of all shapes and sizes
- Being surrounded by Mountains
- My cat's emerald green eyes
- The look of gold against peridot green
- The feeling of brush markers on paper
- My mom's black and silver hair
- The look of paint-stained fingers
- Well used hard cover books
- The leather soft feel of magnolia and rose petals
- Touching the firm backside of my beta fish
- Thick, dried paint on canvas
- Swirling milk when first poured into tea
- My dad's calloused hands
- Green, clear glass
- The musty scent of cave water
- The fire-gold look of a sunset reflected on metal
- The soft fur at the base of a cat's ear
- Feeling the difference between types of paper
- The rumble of a Bass singer
- The roll of foreign words on the tongue
- Touching yards of silk fabrics
- Mountains blazed with sunrise
- My siblings' laughter and how we all sound the same

Hey friends. I have a lot of things to update on.

First off, ACTs are horrible. And math is a menace to society (sorry math people and math teachers out there).

I was finally able to take my ACTs today. I've been dreading them and preparing for them for a few months now and I'm very VERY drained. I'm pretty sure I did well on the English test. I did ok on the reading and science and I did... probably not so great on the math. Plus there were two tests that were math (which I didn't know about) and I had to keep from crying at the end. Seriously, my nerves were on edge all day. I felt so sick in the morning I was barely able to finish my cereal. So, of course, I had an anxiety attack after the test while I was driving home and I sobbed and felt like a horrible person because I can't do math. Thankfully, my sister was there to save the day. C: We talked for a couple of hours and she calmed me down and let me talk about my feelings.

Feeeeeeliiiiiiings.

Yeah, lots of feelings were felt.

Now I just need to wait for the ACTs to be sent to my school and hope that they get sent soon enough that I might be able to get into BYUI's fall semester. Depending on how things work out I'll probably either be moving to Rexburg (for school) or to Pocatello (at my mom's house to save up for school).

I feel like all my decisions in life are just hanging around trying to figure themselves out.

On another note, my car is old. Or she's getting old. In the last two months I've had to do a lot of repairs on my car. First it was my tire, then it was my coolant leaking, and then finally it was a wheel bearing replacement. It's been kind of ridiculous, actually. That's life for you, though.

 So, yeah. It's been a long couple of weeks and I'm really tired. I'm glad that I'm only working part time right now because I don't think I'd be able to deal with this stress if I had a full time job.

Lastly, please pray for my Dad. His girlfriend passed away a few weeks ago and he's been having a really hard time of it. I miss him and I love him and I worry about him. And I know that you're going to read this, Ron, so just know that I love you lots and lots. <3
 
So that's all that's been going on with me. Hope ya'll are doing well out there in interwebs land!

It's been some crazy few weeks here.
So for a while I took myself away from the interwebs and the computer. I felt that I was getting too absorbed in the digital world, especially social media, and I wasn't using the internet like a tool like how I'm supposed to. Even now I want to learn to watch myself.

So these last few days I've been fervently working on my application to go to school at BYU Idaho in the fall but as it turns out my efforts may have been for nothing. Let's just say I was really unproductive (putting it nicely) in high school so I didn't go through with doing the ACTs/SATs that were offered when I was there. I've already signed up to do the ACTs June 10th but I'm scared that I might be too late.

Honestly, I'm not too surprised about the whole ACT thing. Part of the reason I've avoided college is because I've had a feeling that I didn't take them. We took soooo many standardized tests while I was in school, though, so I was never positive about it. The bright side of it is that back then I would've completely dumped in the ACTs while right now I get the feeling that I might be mature enough to be more prepared.

I was also able to get my transcript emailed to me. None of it was a big shock but it made me realize that I've changed since then. Back in those days I was super lazy and unproductive. I never did anything for myself. Things finally started to change when I got into my senior year. I wanted to be in plays and I wanted to act. I had something that pushed me to act. When I was filling out my forms I wanted to laugh when it started to ask about extracurricular activities. The only extracurricular activity I participated in while I was in high school was drama. Still, I was grateful to my Senior Year Self for at least having that much done.

For a while I was a little tuckered out from my usual art but hopefully I'll be able to do some sketches and paintings regularly again. I realized recently that even the art that I hated and thought was terrible when I was younger wasn't really that bad.
Some pieces are more beautiful and more original then anything I could come up with today.

So I know most of ya'll have already seen it but I'm posting my Ariel painting here anyways. I wanted to paint her for MerMay (just something fun a few artists on social media sites are doing). Plus, she's always been my favorite Disney princess. It's about time that I make a fanart just for her. C:

Hey everyone!
So this week has been a bit of a roller coaster but it's been pretty good. This weekend was a lot of fun because I was able to spend a lot of time with my family. My mom, my sister, and I all went to the temple open house in Idaho Falls and by golly it was beautiful! The murals were breathtaking. I saw pictures of them online but they were even more amazing in person.

If you want to see some of the beautiful official photos look like (and if you want to learn a little more about the Idaho Falls temple) go here -> Click this!

On another side note I started my first day at the DI on Monday. I'll be honest, it was a little weird and I had a hard time figuring out what I was supposed to do at first but today I felt a lot better about it. XD Mostly, I'm just constantly reorganizing things and putting new things out on shelves. Pretty easy!

I also managed to shoot my first speed painting! Because it's my first one I obviously made a few mistakes (like putting the camera behind me so all you can see is my back and my fluffy hair) but hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes. At the very end I have a recording of the completed painting and I'll also post some pictures of it. I haven't decided what to call it yet, though.

So this week has been a week were I've just bitten the bullet on a lot of things.

First thing's first I decided that, yes, I am going to go to college. Right now the plan is to get a degree in Graphic Design because, let's be honest, the only way I'm ever going back to school is if I'm going to school for art. Honestly, I've had a lot of family and friends who have berated me on the positives and negatives of going to college and, honestly again, they didn't really need to. I've been weighing out those positives and negatives for five years now since I graduated in 2012. At first when my career councilor asked me about my future I was a little hesitant to even think about college because, come on, that's 2-4 years of your life but then I got thinking about how I've been avoiding college for 5 years already. What's another 4 years?

Second, I left my job at the daycare. Sort of. I moved from full time teacher in the after schooler's class to a fill in (which is, like, severe part time) but I have a feeling I'll only be there every now and then so it's basically like leaving and when I start school I'll be so busy I won't have any time. While I was leaving I was surprised by how many of my coworkers wanted to stay friends with me. I've never been friends with coworkers before. I've been friendly but never full on "hang out" kind of friends.

Here's a picture of the flowers and chocolate my head teacher/friend gave me with the coloring book and colored pencils one of the after schooler's gave me because I was leaving:

I can't even say how much these things meant to me. First of all, this is only the second time in my life someone has ever given me a bouquet. The first time I got a bouquet was from my dad, Ron, who bought me orange roses for mother's day because I told him no one had ever given me flowers before. For me, bouquets are very very special. Second, this after schooler girl kept in mind the fact that I love art and that I love foxes when giving me her gift.

It's the little things in life.

Alright, here it is, the third bullet I had to chew and swallow. My phone that I've had for 8 years was finally showing signs of imminent death. I called my dad up to get the ok and I went and got an iPhone. To most people this is something to celebrate over but for me it was a very hard decision. Why? Because it's not all my money. My phone is on my Dad's plan.

 I'm sure your immediate thought is "Wow R'ki you can't even stand on your own two feet and have your own phone plan?" but here's the thing- I am only just barely living on my own for the first time. And just for your information no, I'm not comfortable having my Dad pay for my phone expenses. Relying on people is very hard for me because it makes me feel like a burden. My Father loves me. Helping me when I'm struggling is one way he shows me that he loves me.

After I got the phone I immediately called Ron and we switched to face time. That was the first time I have seen my Father's face in over 7 months. When I saw my eagle painting up on the wall behind him I just started crying. My parents have given me everything in life and I am so grateful for that.

So on a positive note here are pictures of my new iPhone! And, yes, ok, I'm a little excited about it. C:

Of course it already has fingerprints all over it. This thing is going to drive my OCD up the wall. XD Just kidding.

Hello friends!
So this last week was pretty great. I even made a video for it! Who would've thought?? Hahah it's my very first vlog post for my blog so I'm pretty excited about it. I made it on Saturday when the day was sooooo nice.

So go ahead and watch before reading. I'm sorry if I'm very boring- I'm still getting used to this whole blogging/vlogging thing. I also need to learn how to cut videos in movie maker without getting mad at it.

Sooooo to fill in some of the stuff outside of the video believe it or not soon after my visit to the graveyard (yes I'm in a very lovely graveyard- I love it actually it's one of my favorite places) a friend from work saw my "woe is me I have no friends" depressing post on facebook and texted me and invited me to go with her and some people to 17 Mile Cave. I had no clue what 17 Mile Cave was.

So I went and it was really fun (although I'll admit I was tired and awkward for some of it) and if you ever decide to go I suggest taking a flashlight and a very strong man with you. It was beautifully huge but is, unfortunately, a popular spot for stupid teenagers. Although, I admit, I really liked the look of how all the graffiti sparkled when the light hit it. Just don't look at the graffiti too closely. XD;

Here was a picture of our group at the cave:

And no, I am not 13 in this photo even though it looks like I am. C:

Also, funny story I forgot to mention, last week my mom and I went out to dinner and the lady checking us in asked if we wanted a kids menu as well. To which I smiled and assured her that I was actually 22. She admitted that she thought I was 10. Although, to be honest, it's not the first time I've been asked if I want a kids menu at a restaurant. Maybe I should start saying yes. Is the kids menu cheaper?

And finally here's a photo of my candy eggs~ I made two because there were extra. C: (they're the ones on the sides with the green bunny and the egg) The other two are my sister's and her roommate's.

Then there are some photos from the zoo! Thank goodness I have a fabu camera! 8D I'll probably add the rest of the photos on facebook for y'all to look at.